SARDONIC GEORGE IN SWITZERLAND: WHERE HUMANITY WENT TO DIE (WITH VIEWS)

After an absolutely stellar morning admiring the icy splendor of Jungfraujoch – Top of Europe (yes, that’s actually what they call it, and no, they’re not wrong), I found myself sipping a cappuccino at the Mönchsjochhütte, enjoying what can only be described as a deeply intoxicating conversation with a fellow explorer. I say “intoxicating” because they had bathed recently, used full sentences, and refrained from quoting TikTok. A rare alpine trifecta.

Jungfraujoch – Top of Europe  Mönchsjochhütte

But alas, duty called — or rather, a precisely-timed Swiss train ticket did. My pre-booked departure from the Jungfraujoch terminal was scheduled for exactly 13:47, because of course it was. The Swiss don’t do vague. This is a country where even the cows chew rhythmically to a metronome.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Cappuccino finished, I descended from my high-altitude haven and made my way to Gate 1, as any punctual, map-literate creature would.

And that, dear readers, is where the entire concept of civilization collapsed.

Unbeknownst to me — and evidently to everyone else — the 13:17 train had been cancelled, for reasons so shrouded in mystery you’d think it involved espionage, alien interference, or the Swiss rail authorities simply not wanting to talk about it. Which, frankly, is the most likely scenario.

The result? The 13:17 passengers had merged with the incoming 13:47 hopefuls to create one monumentally distressed mob. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you mashed together a cruise ship buffet line, the running of the bulls, and a surprise fire drill, now you know.

Jungfraujoch – Top of Europe - Terminal Chaos

For the next two hours — yes, two hours — I bore witness to:

• Three fights, including one that required intervention from train guards in high-visibility vests. (Props to the one who flung his clipboard like a ninja star before vaulting over the gate. Hero.)

• Pushing. Shoving. Elbowing. Breathing contests.

• And finally, when the terminal bathrooms achieved maximum occupancy, someone used the floor as a toilet. I’m not saying civilization is fragile, but... actually, I am saying that. Very much so.

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Let us not forget: this was all triggered by a cancelled train. Imagine if something important were on the line — say, a Taylor Swift concert, or brunch.

Now, I could go on about the breakdown of social order and the ethical void that emerges when people think their seat assignment is more important than their humanity — but instead, I’ll say this:

As a cultured bear with refined tastes and an honorary Seychelles Ambassadorship, I would never lose my composure over something so pedestrian as a travel delay. And nor should you.

When life inconveniences you — and it will, often, and with bad breath — don’t take it out on your fellow man.

Take a breath. Hum a song. Rewatch your favorite scene from Crash Landing On You later. Humanity might be going through something. Don’t make it worse.

Silver lining? I met Nick and Georgia from Australia, two lovely humans who restored my faith in mankind. Together, we now share a once-in-a-lifetime story of where we were... when the Alps cracked open and swallowed decorum whole.

See you in Geneva!

Sardonic George.